Whananaki Notes
Whananaki Notes / Being in the seat of myself & Standing at the gate with a palmful of sugar cubes
Getting away for a night, camping, feels like being in the seat of myself.
Thinking about Nick Holmes on our way up here and running into him first thing in Whananaki felt like being in the seat of myself. Like I’m tuned into the wider field and listening, and the field is listening back.
Doing weights yesterday and not eating any chocolate felt like being in the seat of myself.
And writing yesterday. Writing twice in a week felt like being in the seat of myself. And shooting two rolls of film.
I want to buy a small point and shoot film camera. Kara bought one and not long ago I dreamed about having one, so small and lightweight, so reliable for capturing images on film.
My appetite started to come back yesterday. Having an appetite feels like being in the seat of myself.
Appetite. Wanting lives in the seat of ourselves, where our soul meets our physical body, and our personality acts as an extension of ourselves out in the world. Yesterday, after looking at myself in the mirror for a while, after doing the weights video on only 2.5 hrs sleep and still feeling good. I knew - I want to lose weight. (I have gained somewhere between 5 and 8 kg since I quit vaping). Actually wanting to lose weight feels good, different to just beating myself up for carrying extra weight. It made it easier to eat well and prepare healthier food for traveling.
Going camping with Logan and the dogs feels good. It's good to get away from home. To see a different part of the country.
Whangarei Highway Notes / On the way home / trying to bring the feeling back with us
Getting away camping was regenerating.
Moments of significance:
On the way to Whananaki, as we neared, I inhaled native bush smell through the car window. It smelled like the Coromandel years ago when I was driving through there with friends (Gemma, Rory, Matt, Kat, Chris, Steve). Like humid native bush. And a little further down the road, the smell of hot manuka, of manuka baking in the sun.
On the trail near sunset at the campground we saw a morepork. It looked at us and we looked back at it, then we walked away. I wanted to walk that trail again in the morning. We didn't get to the end because we were losing the light. I forgot about it this morning.
I crossed the long footbridge though (the longest in the southern hemisphere where walkers from the te ara roa cross the inlet) where Rocco only went a third of the way yesterday before he crouched low and stopped, frozen by vertigo. Logan and Buddy kept going, I turned around with Rocco, lugged him back to where the sand started and his equilibrium was restored.
Lying in the tent in the half light on the way to sleep, I could hear the wind blowing. It was so restorative and so peaceful. Logan and I were talking. I asked him what his favorite part of the day was. We spoke about our favorite moments. That’s when we fell asleep. We didnt say goodnight because we weren’t finished describing favorite moments. How restorative to fall asleep that way.
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The past has been on my mind a lot for various reasons:
Apology as clean slate, apologies as slate cleaning.
I have paid dearly for certain intimacies.
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When I opened my novel the other day, to confirm I'd written "when 45 became 47" four or five years ago, I saw how good the novel is. The words are good. It's a real novel. I want to keep working on it. I want to work on it and on the non fiction book. I can do both at the same time. I need to get into the story, really sit in it and imagine it. Live it. Parcel it out and refamiliarise myself with it. Print it. Put it on the wall. Put unresolved questions I have for it on the fridge. Don't stop until it's done. I don't need time or money or permission to work on it. I don't need validation from anyone but myself. And I am giving that to myself now. There, you have it. Now run. Now off you go at the pace of a three year old.
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Mike Chang - "complexity hinders comprehension which hinders action". When I'm unsure about something in the novel, go with the simplest solution I'm drawn to. I can always make it more complex later if it makes sense to.
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I haven't let go of the largescale paintings in my mind. I will make them. I will find a place to make them, create a place to make them.
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Resolutions:
Think bigger.
Think largescale paintings
Think barnsized studio and exhibitions
Think working on CTD (Crossing the Divide) and the non fiction book
Think earning a good income and time to write.
Keep an eye out for the desired spaces, places, possibilities.
Persist with film. With film, I persist.
Think bigger.
These notes are rough draft, personal, strange. Make of them what you will. You can see there is much on my mind. Ciao friends ox